Pink Bunny Foo Foo

Wow...I love my friends...

The past weekend was pretty incredible. My gay husband (best friends all through college and beyond - 22 years) drove up from the bay area to stay with us for the weekend. I definitely needed the friendship love fest 2010.

I took off early from work on Friday and our weekend started with a big gab-session and a bottle of wine. It's been a year and a 1/2 since we've seen each other. We chat, text and email a lot, but our schedules got crazy and several visits were canceled for various reasons.

Photo disclaimer: The backyard looks like shit, major weed alert... and I'm never wearing a see through white shirt under that vest...ever again!

Paul and I have so much in common, it's scary. We shared the same major in college. Our birthday's are 1 day apart. We share the same OCD tendencies. We have a love and passion for all things unique. We both make a living as designers. We have so many "OMG, do you remember when?" stories that it drives everyone around us crazy. We think it's totally normal to stalk people on Facebook. We have both ramped up our cooking skills in the past year, we are both forever dieting and wow can we be bitches. :o)

Saturday was spent thrift store shopping and antique hunting. We finished the day cooking in the kitchen for an impromptu dinner party. We hit BevMo for the 5 cent wine sale...then the Nugget for groceries. Cocktails were consumed while cooking - WAY TOO MANY cocktails. We still managed to crank out grilled chicken, braised red cabbage and mashed potatoes. So freakin' good. We played Rock Band until we lost our voices and until the wine made it next to impossible to read the lyrics.

We spent Sunday getting Hilly's room ready for her arrival. A gay husband, the real husband and a wannabe interior decorator = awesome combo.

Sunday evening was mellow. We hit Trader Joe's and then went out to dinner.

The last couple of days have been a blur. Work is really heating up and I feel like I'm being pulled in 100 different directions. It's been non-stop. I got home Monday night and was so touched by some things I got in the mail.

Higgy is set. He got some gourmet doggy treats and the sweetest cards from everyone at the pet store/groomer and from my aunt. I got pretty choked up...so many people love my baby.

Then....

Tonight I get home to find a pile of cards in the mail. I honestly thought? WTF? Did the mailman get the wrong mailbox? I opened the first card - it was from an amazing woman in my daily email group. It was a wooden letter "A", with a $10.00 bill wrapped around it. Huh? I opened the next card and it said some incredible things about my friendship with another special person from my email group - it included the letter "U" and a check for $10.00. I continued opening cards as tears poured down my face. Hilly can vouch for me...it was the kind of cry that just warms your entire heart. I could barely read the cards out loud. Card number 3 had the letter "B" with the simple words "Enjoy your mystery gift - Love you" and  - I kept going. Card #4 had the letter "M" - "love you" and 10 more dollars. The last card had adorable graphics and some really sweet words written on the inside. It included another $10 and the letter "Z" with puffy stickers - My 5 wonderful Internet friends (Whom I've never met in person) filled my mailbox and heart this evening.

I pieced everything together and my surprise was that they paid for my Zumba classes for the next 5 weeks. More tears...lots of tears. I'm so honored to call all of these women my friends. We've been through so much together. Surgeries, injuries, illnesses, weight loss ups and downs, shared victories, hysterical kid and dog stories, holidays, etc.

Email and the Internet are a powerful force. I met all 5 of these women through this blog. When people question the validity of online friendships...I will send them a link to this post.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...for the gift of friendship, dance and for lifting my spirits when I needed it the most.  I love you all.

These Boots Are Made For Walkin'...

 

It's been almost 5 weeks since Higgy's spinal stroke. As each day passes, I fall in love with him even more. I am so proud of my little boy and how hard he is working at managing his new disability. I guess that is why his AKC papers have the name "Spirit Boy" on them. That was the name he was given at birth - I changed it to Higgins, but kept Spirit Boy as his middle name. He continues to make us both laugh, smile and grow as a family. I've never been too good at the whole patience thing and I am happy to report that I can produce when I have too.

Hig is now the proud owner of a new boot for his lame leg/foot. (He's wearing it in the above photo) - It's a little boot made out of foamed neoprene with a rubber non-skid sole and toe guard. I refer to it as his "paddle" - He was getting foot and leg abrasions from dragging it on the new carpet runners and outside on the pavers and cement.

Even though we are using a leg harness outside, it's next to impossible to catch the leg and paw drag every time. He gets so excited to go outside...the minute the slider door opens, he starts running on three legs towards his favorite spots. I've fallen out of my slippers more than once trying to catch up to him. The hard part is keeping the harness loop on his bad leg without letting it extend too much. Lots to think about with each outing.

The rain and strong winds have been really challenging. It's very difficult for him to balance on 3 legs when the wind is blowing sideways. The other night he was knocked on his side as the rain came down in buckets. I was trying to juggle the umbrella (which he is deathly afraid of) - I had the flashlight because there are areas of the backyard that aren't very well lit...I had the harness in one hand and next thing you know, he was on his side because he slipped on the cement. I just wanted to cry. I scooped his little wet body up in my arms and gave him encouragement and lots of love and kisses. We got in the warm house, dried him off and let out a sigh of relief that the whole ordeal was over. It's been raining off and on for the past couple of days. Never thought I'd hate the rain so much.

As far as progress goes - it's hard to notice anything major. Dan thinks his paralyzed leg is getting a little stronger. I can't tell. He's gobbling up his food and treats like he used to. He's back to mopping up bowls of water with his beard - he's just his happy-go-lucky self. The last two nights he's slept from 11:00 PM - 5:00 AM - which is progress for sure. He was getting up at 12:30 and 2:30 AM to go outside. My fingers are crossed that it lasts. Uninterrupted sleep is my friend.

Our king size bed houses the blanket and pillow fort I build for him each night. We place him right in the middle. That way we hear the jingle of his collar tags when he tries to get himself over the sides of the fort to go out. Let me re-phrase that...I hear the jingle when he needs to go out. I could probably pull Dan out into the backyard by one leg and he wouldn't wake up. I am a light sleeper and I would give anything to be like Dan in that regard. 

As far as weight loss and my challenge goes - I pretty much ate baked Alexia onion rings and 2 Weight Watcher fudge bars (broken up into a bowl with choc. syrup and choc. chips) for dinner last night. Not really a good sign that nutrition is topping my priority list. I had a stressful night of teaching (my class participants were horrible) lots of bitching, lots of surfing the Internet instead of paying attention and I left feeling frustrated and full of anxiety.

Emotional Eating 101 - Do not enter the kitchen in that state of mind.

Whatever...it wasn't volume eating...just not very nutritious. I had eaten healthy meals at breakfast and lunch, so I'm sure it balanced out. I'm pretty much marking Feb. down as a maintenance month. With so much going on, my stress levels were off the chart. I'm just happy that I didn't fall off the wagon...had I done that, I'd be looking at a gain for the month...instead of a maintain. My treadmill is supposed to ship on March 8th - So exercise will once again be something I look forward to - I am also looking at attending one dance class a week instead of two, to save a little cash. I have only managed to squeak out 2 days of exercise a week for most of the month. I know increasing that will help.

I am feeling more positive regarding the money situation. I have been contacted by 3 people about doing websites for their side businesses. These are friends of co-workers. All 3 of my co-workers didn't even know about Higgy, the vet bills or anything...just a weird coincidence that all of the leads came in when they did. I had my little vent session/pity party and now it's time to do something about it.

when it rains...

My morning started with Typepad being blocked at my work. I had a 20 minute conversation with our security manager and now have to do an admin. override to our filtering system to use it...because that's not a PITA.

Apparently nobody got the memo that I had a super stressful weekend and that I needed to vent here on my blog. Sure, I could use my iPhone app...but no thanks. I've used Typepad for 6 years and today is the day the stupid ass web filtering protocol puts it into a new category? Why am I not surprised?

Icing people...icing on the shit-storm cake that has been baking for days.

It's no shock to my friends and family that surround me that I'm stressed to the max.

I was waiting for my tax guy to call over the weekend with numbers. We have seen pretty hefty returns over the past 5 married years. This year was the weakest of the last 5. Not sure how that happened - I guess I didn't have as many write-offs for my second job.

I know we shouldn't count on a return as a windfall. We should adjust our shit so we see more during the year. I've heard it all - but it doesn't matter TODAY...this morning, right now.

Our first major purchase of Jan. 2010 was the treadmill. The old one's engine crapped out and we were in a position where I could purchase a new one, so we did. Just under $1800. It was unexpected, but it is a very important part of my weekly fitness routine. After a long conversation with Dan, we just decided we could sacrifice some of our savings to purchase it. This was a huge decision...like I couldn't sleep because I felt so guilty about it. Having quit my second job at the end of last year...it's not as easy to throw down huge chunks of cash.

Three weeks later, we were faced with a vet bill that totaled over $6,000. We made the choice to give Higgy the best care possible. We were at peace with saying goodbye to the rest of our emergency fund/savings. It stressed me out, but I was already stressed x's 10 over what was happening to our little Higster.

We then had a laundry list of things to buy for our new life with a special needs dog. We got a bigger crate, supplies - walking harness, boot, special shampoo, blankets, padding and carpet runners for the entire house. Again...fine, anything to make things easier on our baby and on us during the whole healing process. He is also going to have follow-up vet appointments for 6 months to a year - every 3-6 weeks. We knew this going in. We agreed  to all of that when we signed on the dotted line.

Then some of our house equipment failed and that was another $615. Unavoidable. We had a leak in our guest bath, thankfully Dan and my Dad were able to fix that before Hilly's arrival. Our pool currently looks like a big, black, swamp - We don't have the money to do anything about that - Dan has been trying to clean our filter and salt system to avoid having to pay bank to get a new filter. Whatever...we can manage, it's not swim season anyway.

There was the plumbing incident from last weekend and then yesterday morning my printer crapped out. Awesome....Then one of my car headlights went out last night. I sat in my car and cried. I cried because I am feeling like enough is enough. We are good people. We are hard working people. VERY HARD working people. We were responsible and financially planned in the event of AN emergency - not 10 emergencies! FUCK! 

I was able to help my brother during his unemployment with rent, car insurance, etc. I've helped many friends in need. All of this because I spent the last 4 years working 60-70 hour weeks and 3 jobs. Some days I worked 16 and 17 hour days.

Dan also announced yesterday that he needs to buy a new engine block for his car. $3000. I thought I was going to throw up with that latest news. Sure, he has back up transportation (his motorcycle) - but I'm just not all that thrilled about him riding his one hour commute in the pouring rain. Sigh...sorry can't even visit the thought of losing him. He also has to visit job sites for work and sometimes they are up to 600 miles round trip...and he needs to carry equipment - can't do that on his motorcycle.

He's been having engine issues for the past 6 months. Nursing the shit out of it - adding oil every week...doing diagnostics and replacing every part he could think of to solve the problem the cheapest way possible...nope. He is needing to order a new block this week. Luckily he has the skills to put the thing in himself, otherwise we'd be looking at an even bigger price tag.

I'm sitting here at my desk wanting nothing more than to pretend like all of this never happened. I can't. I can't shut my brain off. I'm crunching numbers and going over things in my head.

I got a migraine last night...not shocking. It's my second one in the past week.

Dan is able to to just go on auto pilot...I can't. He tried to explain that "shit happens" and there isn't a whole lot we can do about it. The only thing we can control is how we handle it.

We both are capable workers. He is going to aggressively seek out side jobs and I will probably do the same with graphic design. I also have a bunch of things I could sell on eBay. I know we will figure it out.

I just wanted a break...a break from the stress of working two and three jobs. Quitting my clothing job allowed me to get back into my weight loss groove with my 40x40 challenge. I starting putting myself first. Now I have to put my dance classes on hold for financial reasons.

I now have a dog with special needs...no money in the bank...and the added stress of needing to pay off cc debt and building our savings back.

Two months in and 2010 can suck it huge!

Just so I don't seem all negative Nancy - there are some positives to come out of all of this. Dan and I aren't fighting about it - we are actually communicating and closer because of it. My love and devotion to Higgy and my husband have not changed one bit. I do realize that there are some things out of our control. Luckily we had the money and the available credit to get us through this...lots of people don't have that luxury. I know we will be o.k., we always pull through.

I can't stress about more emergencies that have not happened yet - it's not a productive use of my time. I can't feel guilty or second guess my decision to quit my second job. I did it for health reasons. I just need to stop wondering "why us?" - I need to be as zen as possible without hitting "what if" land too many times. I need to de-stress or the migraines will be back on a regular basis and I will be back at the neurologist. 

I usually turn to food when life gets this crazy. I shut down and quit caring about myself and put everyone else's needs first. I don't want to do that this time. I'm going to come here instead and actually lean on my friends here and in real life...no need for me to always be the strong one.

Checkin' in...

My 40x40 challenge is to lose 40 pounds by my 40th birthday in June) - it just so happened that I crashed and burned on the 40th day - I still have 111 days to go, LOL.

I managed to get myself back on track and then slipped again this past weekend. I made Dan oatmeal raisin cookies for Valentine's Day - since we are broker than broke and weren't exchanging gifts, I thought I'd be fine. Not a huge fan, enjoy choc. chip, sugar, gingersnaps, and snicker-doodles much more. Yes, total sucker for home baked cookies.  Anyway...I think I had 6 or 7 over the span of 3 days - at 180 calories a piece - combined with some other not so favorable choices - shared garlic fries and a foo foo watermelon cocktail, over the weekend, at Tex Wasabi's (One of Guy Fieri's restaurants)...yowsa, it all added up super fast - team that with my period and the scale was up close to 4 lbs. for Saturday's WI. It's gone back down 2 lbs. already, but it sure is easy to pack it back on when you aren't tracking and adding alochol, appetizers and sweets into your diet.

We hadn't had an evening out since Higgy's stroke, so it was nice to go out with friends for dinner. I haven't had any alcohol this year - so my "Comfortable Watermelon Cocktail" - Southern Comfort, watermelon pucker, peach schnapps, pineapple and cranberry juice gave me sugar shock and an instant buzz. Definitely made for some interesting conversation amongst friends - hah!

I ended up ordering sushi - it was "meh"...not horrible, not awesome. I ordered a roll with shrimp, tuna, misago & avo and it came without sauce - thought that was weird. It was screamin' for unagi sauce...anyway, wish I would have ordered the pan seared ahi with spicy red pepper aioli - should have gone with my first choice instead of going with the group. Next time I will order from the Southern BBQ side of the menu.

O.k., enough food talk...I'm getting hungry.

This weekend was filled with house projects. We had to investigate a leak in the guest bath - to ready it for Queen Hilly's arrival. Not sure where we are on her itinerary, but it's been something we've needed to fix for months. This involved removing carpet and baseboards from the guest room closet that shares a wall with the bathroom....everything is fixed and we should be good to go. Hilly can now get her shower on.

We also had the pool filter and salt system take a crap - Dan got that up and running so the pool cleaning jets could pop back on - the pool is a bit swampish right now...but it's on the mend.

I then managed to plug up the kitchen sink with rice and beans from my salsa chicken crockpot meal leftovers. I grew up in a house where my Mom threw everything down the disposal. There was no such thing as plate scraping in my house. Dan grew up with the opposite, I swear they would pour sauce into the trash if you gave them the chance.

I was cleaning out the fridge and thought nothing of putting the container of rice and beans down the disposal - I ran the water and everything was fine. About 2 hours later, I was cleaning a pot and noticed that the water started backing up in the sink. I ran the disposal and both sides of the sink started filling with disgusting water. Dan got out the plunger...nope, nothing. I went to the store and got 2 things of liquid plumber for clogs. 10 bucks - and nothing. Dan then took the pipes apart under the sink and used buckets for the water...no clog there. We called a plumber - awesome that it was a holiday - thankfully they didn't charge for that. It was $69 for them to come out and an additional $38 for every 15 minutes they were there. FUCK...I hoped that the guy was a fast worker - I mean really, what's the incentive to move quickly? His name was Lewis and he rocked the house with his mad speed. $106 including total clean up. The problem was 15 feet into the pipe - thankfully we had a clean out right under the sink, he didn't have to go onto the roof.

I have since learned - Pasta, rice and potatoes are the WORST types of food to put down the disposal - Lewis said it was because of the whole expansion thing. His thought was that something else had started a clog and then the rice pretty much sealed the fate of a plugged up pipe. I also learned that you should never run hot water while the disposal is going - interesting - should be cold. He would probably die to know that I've put hot grease down it while hot water was running. I don't do that anymore because I love being married to my wonderful husband and he threatened divorce if I was to continue with that bad habit.

Did I just spend several paragraphs on home improvement? Exciting times in our household fo' sure.

In Higgy news...he is showing more small signs of improvement. I purchased another car load of runners - we now have every tile surface covered in 5 ft. runners so Hig can get a good grip when he 3 foots it through the house. I returned home from Lowe's on Sunday evening and his little nub tail moved back and forth - it too was paralyzed after the stroke. It made me cry to see his tail wag with excitement for the first time...so awesome! He is also able to move the toes on his bad leg/paw - Dan put his finger between the pads and they moved - there had been no movement before that. We ordered him a boot to help with the dragging - we don't want abrasions - and we got a new leash sling harness that will help with his back legs when we take him outside. Continued baby steps. Monday night he slept through the entire night - last night, not so much. I'm starting to get used to interrupted sleep - but man did it feel good to get a full night on Monday.

That's pretty much it in Foo land. Hope you are all doing well and again, thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers for our little guy - It has helped all of us. Let the healing continue...

40 days....

I made excellent decisions with eating and exercise for 40 days. Everything with my "40x40 Challenge" just seemed to naturally fall into place. I wasn't obsessing and I was enjoying helping a girlfriend that didn't have the extensive dieting knowledge that oozes from my brain. We were emailing back and forth, texting and calling each other - everything was great. We were both enjoying our successes and the first 40 days flew by.

Just last week we were celebrating our own personal victories. I was celebrating that I didn't turn to food during what easily could go down as the second worst time in my life - THO (The Higgy ordeal).

I've rearranged my schedule and I'm powering through learning how to take care of a disabled dog. I'm experiencing a very stressful time at my 8-5 job and I'm still finding time each day to take care of myself. Not much, but it's something.

I thought I had all plates in the air...nothing was slated to fall. Then last night - on day 40, I snapped.

I got home from work and took Higgy out of his crate for his early evening outing and physical therapy. I put him in the walking sling and out the slider door we went. He cruised around the backyard wheelbarrow style - enjoying all of the smells, textures and fresh air. We sat in one of the bistro table chairs and just soaked in a few minutes of what little sunlight was left. The grounds were still saturated from the non-stop crap/rain weather we've been having, but the sunlight gave me hope. I pictured swimming in the pool, BBQ-ing with friends during the hot summer months...it was my mini escape from a very stressful work day. I thought it was enough of a distraction from the anxiety that had been building all day.

Then...

I went to the pantry. I decided to have a 100 calorie bag of kettle corn. I have not been eating popcorn or other snack type foods - The popcorn tasted so good. Then I decided I'd have a Snapple drink left over from a get together. 40 days of nothing but water and OMG, the Kiwi Strawberry Snapple tasted like liquid sugar. I didn't care, I just chugged it down as I mowed through the bag of popcorn. The bag went super fast. I decided to have another 100 cal. snack bag - I took my time eating that one.

Hig and I were camped out on the couch with blankets. I was glued to this week's "The Good Wife" - I then found myself wandering into the kitchen again. I grabbed two cuties...I tried to slow down as I peeled the little orange wedges apart...it was like they were gone in a minute and I didn't even remember eating them. I then poured a glass of apple juice. I had some from the last time my niece came over. I am not even a fan of apple juice...but the Snapple and kettle corn set off major sugar cravings. I was a sugar monster on a mission. I then had 2 Hershey Miniatures. I finally realized what I was doing and I stopped myself. 600 plus calories in an hour. I only had 445 left to hit my daily calorie target...WTH?

I was anxious. I was exhausted. I was feeling overwhelmed. The food and sugar were my fast fix. I wasn't going to beat myself up...I was just going to move about the rest of my evening.

Dan came home later than usual and he took over Higgy duties for a while so I could change out of work clothes, fold some laundry and just do some other house stuff.  I wasn't hungry...but I still felt like I needed to put something healthy in my body. Healthy turned into a late night pizza order at 8:00 PM. How did that happen? The sugar addiction and $6.00 pizzas is how that happened. 3 small pieces of cheese pizza later...and several sips of Dan's regular Coke...wow, I was a miserable camper. Freakin' miserable.

I have only eaten out once in 40 days. I had cheese and broc. soup when I was sick on Dan's birthday. Other than that, I made or prepped every single meal and snack until last night. UGH.

I do not get heartburn on a regular basis. If I drink my weight in alcohol, I get heartburn...I don't get heartburn from eating. UNTIL. LAST. NIGHT. I took heartburn medicine. I tried to sleep propped up on pillows. My chest hurt and it felt like I had pizza wedged in my throat. I was miserable. So miserable that I'm pretty sure I will be on a pizza hiatus for the remainder of my living years. Seriously...it was that bad. I wanted to throw up, but couldn't...I wanted to sleep, but couldn't...I just wanted to escape the misery.

Day 40 of my 40x40 challenge will go down in history as "Lesson Learned" - Hmmm...maybe I shoudl call it the "Pizza Incident" that sounds better.

I love feeling good about the foods I'm eating. I crave my veggies and am proud of that. I don't need to fill my gullet with sugar and crap. I caused my body to enter "a world of hate" last night. It was MY choice and I suffered from making a BAD one. I guess it keeps you in check after smooth sailing. Food addiction doesn't just disappear because of a weight loss challenge. Loud and clear - I got it.

Today will be filled with water. Huge amounts of water. I still have heartburn and it's been 14 hours and I can't wait for it to be over. I know some people feel that water makes heartburn worse...but I'm dehydrated and water is my feel good juice. My face feels puffy...my pants feel tight...I know I did not erase all of the positive from the 39 previous days...but wow...it sure feels like it. Getting my period yesterday probably didn't help either.

Sigh...

Today is my Friday. I have a 4 day weekend and I'm looking forward to every minute of it. I felt so good telling Hig that he and I could hangout non-stop for 4 days straight. I swear he understood what that meant this morning as I hugged him goodbye.

Higgy is getting stronger. We notice it in little things. He can stand a few seconds longer while eating and drinking. His sling walks now include lots of exploration of the yard and his speed has increased. He is putting a little more pressure on his good back leg...he is trying to scoot and adjust himself at more regular intervals. We are on day 20 since the stroke...3-6 weeks is where more improvement should happen. His case is a little different. More of his spinal cord was damaged than a usual stroke event. So it may take longer for him to try walking on 3 legs without the sling.

We did have one little setback. Due to the curling and dragging of his completely paralyzed left leg/paw, he got a small abrasion on the top of his paw. I broke out the hydrogen peroxide, neosporin and cling wrap tape and he was good to go. We are going to order him some booties this weekend. They aren't fashion booties, they make them to assist handicapped dogs with their dragging due to paralysis or arthritis. I had no idea that there were so many products and equipment for dogs with special needs. We will definitely be getting him a custom fitted doggy cart if he ends up needing one. I've been addicted to watching dogs on YouTube in the K-9 carts.

Our lives have all changed. The one positive that has come out of all of this - I walk through the door after work and I just can't wait to soak in all of the love. The 3 of us make an awesome team.

Baby steps...

We went to visit Higgy late Friday afternoon. Andrea, his assigned angel (Sr. Vet Student) decided that since it was a beautiful, sunny, afternoon - that our visit could take place on the lawn outside of the vet hospital. Next thing you know he rounded the corner with her in the unit's wagon transporter. They use it to carry bigger dogs that come out of surgery, etc.

He looked tiny sitting in the big wagon...As we wheeled him through the hospital a lot of doctors, nurses, techs and students said, "Higgins!", "Lil Higgy Buddy" - seems he made quite the impression during his ICU stay.

He was so excited by the time she got the wagon to us, he almost wiggled his little self through the opening in the front. 

We walked along side of the wagon through the 2nd floor of the building an onto the freight elevator. As soon as we got outside, his nose started sniffing the air...it had been a week since he had been outside in the fresh air.

We put him down on the lawn and he immediately scooted like a seal. He then just laid down and enjoyed the play time and sunshine. We spent about 30 minutes with him and then went back into the hospital to talk to his neurologist. That is when we got the best news ever! Because Higgy showed signs of bladder and bowel control, they felt he was ready to continue the long healing process in the comfort of home and our care. Woohoo!

I was scared, excited and nervous all rolled into one.

We spent an hour with Andrea (pictured left) going over his discharge report and home care instructions. Andrea and the doctor went over things in great detail. We scheduled his follow-up appointments (every 3-4 weeks) for the next 24 weeks.

I had a long list of things to buy. First on the list was a new crate. He is supposed to spend the majority of his time in the crate when un-supervised. They don't want him crawling around the tile or carpet using his new "seal" slide. When he does need to get from point A to point B, we will carry him, set him down and use a cut up sheet behind his back two legs to support his hind end as we hold the sheet to walk him. He is getting really good at doing the wheelbarrow as he walks with his front paws. He needs to continue to walk in a standing position to encourage the muscles to build and the spinal cord to hopefully continue healing. We are already noticing that he has much more strength on his right side. He can support the majority of his weight on 3 legs - both curled under him when we first brought him home.

He now has a crate big enough for a 50-75 lb. dog. It's a see through black coated metal crate. The doctor felt it was important for him to be able to see us when he was inside. His old crate was small and had plastic sides. We also had to stock up on pee pads (I went green with those - $38.99 for washable, rather than the throw away blue plastic ones) - fleece blankets, oatmeal shampoo, etc. It's super important to keep him very padded to prevent any type of bed sores. We are very lucky in that he has enough mobility to turn himself over and adjust in the crate on his own. Some dogs that suffer from spinal strokes are paralyzed from the neck down or in their front legs. We are also lucky in that he has control of his bladder...so many dogs don't have that during recovery.

My parents came by on Saturday and brought their grand-dog a new toy and a new wanded faucet for the master bath tub - to make bath time a little easier. We really have to keep him clean, super important to avoid infection.

He has been an absolute trooper. Figuring out a schedule has been the hardest part. I stayed home with him Monday and Tuesday. This is my first day back at work and I miss him so much. The plan is to go home every 2.5-3 hours to check on him, take him outside, and get him all comfy and situated back in his crate.

The first couple of nights included getting up during the night to take him outside...last night it was midnight and 4:00 a.m. It truly is like having a baby...I fully understand the need for maternity leave - it's stressful and the interrupted sleep is getting to me. Add in all of the crying...yah, I have zits like a 16 year old.

I know there are a lot of people that would not have the ability to wait this out. We are very fortunate that we had money in savings and that I work only 2 miles from home. It sure doesn't stop people from judging though. You would not believe some of the things we've heard since all of this went down. The best one was this,"You just need to let him figure things out on his own." He is PARALYZED right now...there is no figuring things out on his own...F-ing A.

On the positive note, I am realizing just how many supportive dog lovers there are in my immediate circle and on the Internet...so that has canceled out all of the jerks that think Higgy has no quality of life now.

Again, wow.....HE HASN'T EVEN HAD ENOUGH TIME TO SEE IF HE WILL RECOVER FROM THE STROKE....3-6 weeks out is usually where a lot of improvement happens.

Life is definitely different. We can't just take off at a moments notice. My work schedule has changed. My sleep schedule has changed. My stress and anxiety levels have gone up...But you know what? It's all worth it. We have our baby back and he is as happy as can be. Playing with his toys...gulping down his food like a little snorty pig...drinking tons of water, smelling all of his favorite yard spots and I can't forget all of the kisses and snuggles. 

We are headed to a Super Bowl party this weekend. Our friends invited ALL of us over. We will pack up Higgy's crate and we will have as normal of a time as we can. 

Thanks again for all of the thoughts, prayers, emails, Twitter & Facebook messages, phone calls and support in general. You really have no idea how touched I've been by all of them. There is no way I could have gotten through the last 12 days without them.

Higgy Update...

The only change yesterday was that Higgy is now starting to be able to manage his new disability. He scooted himself into a semi sitting position. He got close to his food bowl so he could lean down to eat his kibble. He was hand fed and needed assistance with his bowl the day before yesterday. It doesn't mean that he's had improvement with his reflex response, but it does mean that he's fighting to learn how to use his little body now. This warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.

He will for sure be in the hospital another 3 days and most likely even more after that. They are leaving his catheter in him until he shows some voluntary movement in his legs. If that doesn't happen, Dan and I will learn what to do from his doctors. Thankfully we live 5 blocks from his normal vet if we need assistance with anything.

I was supposed to visit with him again yesterday, but the visitation was canceled because his temperature increases for an hour after we leave - due to the excitement of the visit. They were having another specialist look at him and didn't want that to come into play as a new symptom.

His doctor is supposed to call after his neuro exam this morning. The hope is that I'll get to visit him again this evening. Dan can't get the time off work today.

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. The silence of the house tops the list. I have been avoiding going home for lunch because my routine has changed so much. My lunch times used to be filled with a dancing Higgy the minute I let him out of his crate. He would stand on his back legs and dance in circles as I opened his package of turkey treats. We would then hangout on the couch together to watch TV for the remainder of my lunch hour. I miss that terribly.

Last night I was balancing my work bag, purse and a grocery bag...I unarmed the house alarm and ran towards his crate to open it. I stood in front of his empty crate and the tears started flowing. They pretty much didn't stop all night.

The waves of tears are all too familiar and it puts me in a really dark place that I have a hard time revisiting. I understand that tears are sometimes necessary, but when you feel like it will never stop, it's overwhelming.

I have been carrying around a Higgy look-a-like stuffed animal. (Yes, I'm almost 40) I bring it to work and leave it in my hungrygirl.com bag (Thank you Rachel) Nobody knows it's there...but I know it's there. The minute I'm in the privacy of my own home, it's in my arms. I make dinner with it on the counter  - note: Higgy does not usually sit on my counter while I cook ;o) - I set it on the couch while I try to watch TV. I exercise it's back legs hoping that Higgy gets the message. I take it to bed with us and set it where Higgy would normally lay...In my mind, if I let it go, I will lose my connection to Higgy while he's away.

In the evenings I have been wearing the same flannel dog PJ pants that my Mom and Dad got me for Christmas. They have scottie dogs on them. They look enough like schnauzers that I feel like I "have" to wear them.

I have not taken my Tiffany's "I love you" bracelet off since Friday.

I say the same St. Francis of Assisi animal prayer that my Dad sent me on Saturday...over and over while laying in bed.

All of the above comforts me in small ways. Part of me feels like I'm leaning towards crazy land, but the other part of me just wants to stay afloat, so it balances out. I some how lose sight of the fact that I've been through a lot and I always come out o.k. - bruised and broken...but even that eventually heals.

Luckily Dan has been with me through the tear waves and hysterical "what if" thinking before. I was pretty much a mess when we first met. He knows that it will eventually be less frequent and that it will indeed stop. He keeps reminding me of this.

I was talking to one of my close friends from college and he pointed out that it is hard to hangout in limbo land for people like us. This is so true, Hilly also mentioned the same thing.

I'm not a patient person. I need answers now. I have to plan. I have things to organize - schedules and lists to make, supplies to buy, etc. I don't do well with waiting. Waiting because the answer is unknown is torture x's 10 for someone like me. I have a difficult time living in the now and taking each day for exactly what it is.

I was trying to explain some of my recent thoughts to my friend and he cracked a joke that made me laugh. He said, "let me guess...you are worried about finding snow boots for Higgins for the trip to Alaska you haven't even booked yet" - when a.) you have had no recent desire to even visit Alaska and b.) you would never put boots on Higgins in the first place.

YES!!! That's it. I'm mentally preparing for all scenarios - the transition and healing time before we know if he will regain sensation in his back legs - when we find out he may never regain sensation...when I find out it's cancer, an auto immune issue or something that can't be cured. Having to say goodbye...all of these thoughts are jumbled in my head and play out like the longest slide show and "to do" list ever.

I need a good night of sleep. I need my appetite back. I need a good meal. I need a massage for my tense muscles. I need my hair cut. I need to remember that if I'm a mess or if I get sick, I'm not helping the situation.

Until all of that happens - I sit and wait and I search for peace in knowing that I've done everything I can do.

Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts, prayers and encouraging words. They mean more than I could ever explain.

XOXO,
~Foo

and we wait...

To say we had a huge scare Friday night, would be an understatement.  I got home from work and decided to make a pot of chili. It's been raining non-stop and I knew Dan was working late and I had a craving.

Everything was going on the stove. I sat down to watch a DVR'd Mercy episode while the chili cooked.

Higgins had been running around the house playing with his toys. I fed him - he did his usual food dance near the pantry door. He went outside and then came back in to sit on the couch opposite from me. He got down from the couch and sort of spun around like something was wrong. He tried to sit, then tried to stand again, then fell over. He was trying to pull himself up by his front paws...then he started flopping around on the ground. I jumped down to the floor to see what was going on. He wasn't whimpering, he just seemed super agitated and scared. I picked him up and he continued to scratch at my body with his front paws. I put him on the couch and his body slumped over. He wasn't using his back legs. I put him back down on the floor and he scooted along like a little seal.

I immediately called the vet. Luckily his vet is open 24 hrs. I hysterically burst into tears. I was scared. I wrapped him in a blanket so he would calm down...called Dan's best friend and he came and got us. I wasn't going to be able to drive and hold Higgy at the same time.

We got to the vet and he was showing slight reflex capabilities in one leg and none in the other. He was not responding to touch on either paw.

The doctor gave us two options. A referral to a neurologist or pain medication and rest with most likely the outcome of putting him down. She let us know up front that the neuro exam and potential spine surgery (She thought he might have slipped a disc that could have impeded his spinal cord) was going to cost a lot of money. 

I sat in the vet's office with tears streaming down my face - I could barely breathe. Dan finally arrived - he was an hour away - said he drove like a maniac with the main goal being not crashing and adding to the already horrible evening.

We decided that we absolutely had to give Higgy the best chance possible for recovery. He still was totally responsive, he had his little personality, the paralysis was in his hind legs only. The doctor assured us that he wasn't in pain. She pressed all along his back and he wasn't bothered by it at all.

Luckily we live 45 minutes away from one of the best teaching veterinary hospitals in the country. We pulled up to the emergency exit and they were waiting for Higgins. We got him all checked in and waited in the waiting room. The on call neurologist came out to talk to us. He listed the top 3 possibilities for the sudden onset of paralysis. A disc issue that would require spinal surgery - with full recovery at 85 percent - pretty much a higher percentage than I got after my spinal fusion. They were prepped and ready to do the surgery if the mylogram showed that it was a disc issue. The second possibility he listed was cancer. The third was a possible spinal stroke. The last two would need an MRI to diagnose.

They put him under anesthetic for the mylogram. Around 2:00 a.m. we got the results of that. His spinal cord was clear. The dye flowed freely...this meant no surgery, it wasn't a disc issue. They had to do lung x-rays before the mylogram and his lungs were clear - this is usually where they find cancer in small dogs. The neurologist was leaning more towards a spinal stroke. He referred to it as a FCE (Fibricartilaginous Embolism) - Dogs with FCE don't experience pain and in some cases they fully recover with physical therapy.

Higgy had his MRI yesterday afternoon. Once again he went under anesthetic (this scares me so much) - the MRI results showed an anomaly in his spinal cord - leaning towards the original FCE - spinal stroke diagnosis. They also might have found something with his heart valve...they are consulting with a cardiologist today. The thought is that he may have an infection in his heart valve that could have caused the embolism. This could be treated with medication.

He is showing tiny signs of improvement. This morning's report was that he was alert, responsive and in good spirits and eating kibble. This evening will be the first time we will get to see him, unless he ends up needing an ultrasound for his heart.

There is no treatment other than physical therapy and healing time for FCE. Some dogs regain full motion and return to their normal lives. This usually starts to happen after the 3rd or 4th week.

He has a catheter right now. The next step is to pull the catheter in the next day or two to make sure that he can evacuate on his own.

He has had round the clock care. Being that it's a teaching hospital, he has had vet students assigned to him since he was admitted. First there was Sarah...Sarah said he was a love and seemed more relaxed and calm when being held. She held him throughout the night for the first 2 nights. They then took turns once Andrea the senior student came on board. He is definitely a lap dog and that's where he has been spending a lot of his time. They all love him there.

My heart is breaking...my anxiety levels have been through the roof. I've been using the valium I had been prescribed for my fear of flying...it's been awful. We get very sporadic sleep with nightly phone reports. I wait by the phone with a nervous stomach and just feel so unsettled.

I have been forcing myself to eat. I have no appetite and am finding it hard to focus on anything right now. BTW - Corn and lemon grass soup...yah, disgusting. I went to the store and just threw things in the cart that sounded good to me. Creamy soups sounded good. That one...OMG, it was like a spoonful of potpourri. My disposal even hated it.

I've been hanging onto hope. Hope that Higgy does indeed make a full recovery. I have also been prepping myself for the worst. There is still a chance that he may not recover and I need to come to terms with that.

As most of you know, I got Higgy shortly after Ace's death. I honestly didn't feel like I could go on after losing my husband. I opened my heart to love the minute Higgy walked through my door. My first night with Higgy sleeping next to me in bed was the first full night of sleep I had in months. We are buddies. When I cry he licks the tears from my face. When I come home for lunch, he turns himself inside out with excitement. He shares pillows with us. He is our only fur child. He has been a major part of my life for the past 8 years and I owe it to him to give him the best care possible.

The doctors really feel that he has a good chance for recovery. They said up front that they aren't proponents of keeping dogs alive for their owners if their quality of life isn't going to be what it was...FCE is a best case scenario diagnosis, but the waiting game is the hardest part.

They will teach us how to do the physical therapy. They will teach us how to take care of him in the next couple of weeks/months.

I have not been able to hold him or see him since Friday night. He has been in an out of the ICU and tonight will be our first visit. He will not be able to go home until his is more stable and until he is able to go to the bathroom without the catheter.

I have gotten lots of support through email, Facebook, Text Messages, phone calls, etc. I have amazing friends in my life and it means so much. Work has been cool, I've been taking 1-2 hours off a day so I can get phone calls, break down, etc. My boss has been very supportive and understands that if he is able to come home, that I will need some time off to take care of him.

I hope and pray more than anything that this turns out o.k.

So we continue to sit and wait...

bring on the weekend...

Thanks for the feedback yesterday on meal prep. I found all of your responses and emails to be very interesting. Seems like lots of you modify the main meal a bit and I think that's a great solution.

Yesterday was a frustrating day for me. I started getting one of my headaches mid morning. I increased my water, got a little caffeine in me and ended up taking an Excedrin Migraine instead of the Midrin...so I could continue to work. It took my major headache to a mild headache, but the throbbing still made it hard to stay focused.

I got home from work, laid on the couch, ate a hard boiled egg and 1/2 an orange. I had about 20 minutes to rest. I then got dressed and headed to my second Zumba/Hip Hop class. I was worried that it would make my headache worse, but was banking on the endorphins actually helping it.

As soon as the music started pounding and my heart rate got up, the back of my head felt like it was going to explode. I powered through it and after a good 20 minutes, the pressure let up and I really enjoyed the class again. I felt like I got more of the moves down this time and I realized I need new shoes. I have 4-5 pairs of running shoes...running shoes and dance...not a good combo.

There is a lot of gliding and my running shoes are too sticky with their traction. You also pivot a ton and I need more multi-directional support. My running shoes don't have much lateral or horizontal support...they've got great cushioning and grip, but that's not what I need for those classes.

I noticed that a lot of the girls have Nike and Ryka shoes. I did some searching on the Internet and have nailed down the models. They were the Nike Musique and Ryka Studio D shoes. I need to get to a store that has several brands to try. I was a Nike girl until I found that Asics worked better for me for walking and running...but aerobic style dance shoes are a different game.

I could also use some new pants. I've been wearing my cropped yoga pants and think a looser fitting - full length pant would work better. I thankfully own enough sport's bras - so I'm good to go there. Doing laundry will help with my sock issues. Right now I have a drawer full of...meh, I don't like those. Not sure why I leave them in the drawer, I'm weird like that.

Last night I burned 780 cals according to my HRM, not too shabby. I was a huge sweaty mess and it felt awesome. I came home and had high hopes for cooking something warm and tasty. It was raining buckets and I was hungry. After telling Dan about the class, I laid on the floor, did some stretching and decided that cereal sounded like a fast option. Not warm or comforting, but super easy. I had Special K with soy milk. Having not had a bowl of cereal in a long time, I got out the food scale, poured the amount I wanted to eat and wow....3 servings. I added the milk and it ended up being over 400 calories. Definitely eye opening. I used to eat 2 bowls on weekend mornings. I usually eat Kashi or Fiber One, but Special K was in the pantry. I had the calories and still had enough to eat the second 1/2 of my orange.

This weekend will be filled with some challenges, but I'm really hoping to hit the pavement for some walking. I saw a glimpse of the sun this morning and if the weather forecasts are right, after today's rain dump...we should see more sun on Saturday. It will then start to get dark and dreary again for Sunday - Tuesday.

Have a great weekend!  

Can I have ______?

I feel like the hustle and bustle of schedules and likes, dislikes, allergies, diets, etc. have changed the way households are eating.

I was talking to several girlfriends yesterday and they are all frustrated with their families. One Mom has a daughter that declared (a few months back) that she was going to be a vegetarian (she's 14) after learning that her favorite band and all of it's members are vegetarian. 

While my friend wanted to laugh, she managed to tell her daughter that she needed to do some research and come back to her with a meal plan that would work with the rest of the family. She didn't want her eating side dishes every night and wanted to make sure she was getting the right nutrients as well.

My same friend also started a diet at the beginning of January - she's got 2 teenage sons and a husband that prefer huge slabs of man meat portions and sides overflowing with cheese, potatoes, pasta, etc.

She now fixes herself and her daughter something different - every...single...night... and is tired of it.

I have another friend married to a man that refuses to eat anything out of his normal likes. She tried making some feta turkey burgers and he made himself something different. She made salmon and he ordered a pizza. Her husband rolls his eyes if she brings home any form of fish that isn't breaded and rectangular in shape. She is trying to lose weight and feels like her husband is sabotaging her efforts by eating different foods - foods that she used to eat with him.

I think part of it is realizing that everyone is different and while some of us are on board to change our unhealthy ways, family members have different time frames or reasons for not wanting the same thing.

I was forced as a child to clean my plate. I remember having to drink milk until my stomach hurt. I used to plug my nose when I ate certain veggies (broccoli, brussels sprouts and lima beans) and to this day, I still hate chicken legs/thighs, pork chops and roast. I powered through mashed potatoes - even though I couldn't stand them. I ate what was served and had no other options. That is just how it was.

Not sure where I'm going with this...I just know that I have a lot of friends that are tired of prepping a million different meals a week to satisfy everyone's diets, allergy needs and desires and I just listen without ramming my opinion down their throats.

It's just Dan and myself...there are many FFY nights - (fend for yourself) - I do feel guilty, especially when I cook a full meal for myself - it's just I feel that it's not my problem if Dan doesn't want to eat what I cook (I always make at least 2 portions or more and invite him to partake) He is completely on board with that way of thinking and on most nights, settles down with a PB&J or a bowl of cereal he fixes himself. He is super excited on nights that I make something that he likes, but doesn't blow a gasket on nights when I stink up the house with fish, steamed veggies or other experiments. It works for us.

Dan pushes the Barney Butter out of the way to get to his Jif Chunky. He doesn't mind eating portioned snacks out of Ziploc bags. His whole milk (not a typo) sweats right along side of my fat free or soy milk in the fridge. We are fortunate enough to both be working. We have the funds to fuel our separate dietary needs, wants and desires. Most families can't do this. I get that. 

Part of eating healthy is realizing that not everyone places the same importance on doing that in families. You can't force your spouse to eat healthy. What you can do is sit down together to discuss what's going on.

I'm mostly talking about teenagers and spouses...not really wanting to debate whether picky child eaters should eat what is placed in front of them or go without. I'm talking about people that are fully capable of fixing their own meals if they have special needs that aren't in line with the majority of the family or that don't fit into the chefs own health driven nutritional goals.

If the only way for you to eat healthier was to cook a separate meal for yourself, would you do it?

How would you handle meals for everyone else in your family?

How do you stay on track with a grocery budget while making everyone happy?

It's very easy for me to do what Dan and I do because we don't have kids. Dan also realizes how important healthy eating is to me - which is key - it's taken a while. I recognize that it's not a goal for Dan and I've come to accept that - this has also taken me a while.

It's hard for me to relate to having a big family, so giving advice to my friends, seems silly. I just think if two of my immediate friends have issues, there are probably a lot of people out there with the same meal drama. 

I know you guys must have some brilliant feedback...so get to typing!