I spent most of the weekend at my Mom's house. She gets 4 million catalogs a day and I found myself glued to fantasy shopping. Turning down corners, marking and circling things I will probably never order or buy.
I came across some sassy magnets..."I gave up jogging because my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire"..."Food has replaced sex in my life....Now I can't even get into my own pants" and I started laughing.
It's true, I can't get into my own pants. The laughter led to a deep internal conversation. What the hell are you doing with your health? When did you shift your priority from health to WTF does is matter anyway? When are you going to realize that your behavior needs to change?
When you're in a wheel chair because your back is so jacked up?
When you find yourself with less than 5 stores to shop in again?
When you find yourself crying in the closet?
What is it going to take this time?
I'm coming clean. I've been lying to myself and everyone around me. I haven't been honest about my commitment to WW, exercise or anything mind/body related. I've blamed other people, I've blamed my back pain, life stress and the list goes on.
I feel like a fraud every time I come here or every time I offer advice to anyone struggling. I can't even pull my own shit out of this slump...there is no reason for me to be talking to anyone else about how they can change things.
Walking more doesn't justify eating out on the weekends without a care in the world when it comes to menu selection. Back pain doesn't warrant eating myself into a sugar coma.
I needed help and I reached out and got it today.
I really need to work on repairing the damage I've done to my body and I need to adjust my attitude and overall mental game.
I've come up with so many excuses as to why I gained some weight back...too many family events, too much life stress, too many snack foods in the house, too many friend/social obligations, but I haven't accepted responsibility for any of my own decisions/actions.
I always had the notion that I'd get back on track...well, I never did. Maybe for a day, maybe for 2...but the promises I made to myself were always broken. No matter how much I was hurting, no matter how many times the broken record played over and over and over...I still grabbed for the pizza and Cheeto's. I decided that food was more important than health and I'm going to need some time to figure out how that came about.
I hit my breaking point. Today was "IT" for me. My dear friend P is in the hospital with a horrible, life threatening, staff infection that he got in the hospital from his back surgery last week. The fear in his voice and the flow of tears made me realize how precious life is and how we all need to do everything in our power to be the healthiest we can be.
I can't control what is going on with my own back...but I CAN control what I put in my mouth and how I choose to deal with the pain. I know that I can get my weight under control. I just somehow forgot about the importance of putting my health before anything and everyone else.
Each time it gets harder and harder. I'm prepared for that. I've surrounded myself with love and support and together we will all do this.
So it's time to step up and get rid of this extra weight. I'm done...I'm officially done lying, making up excuses, breaking promises and hating myself. I'm finally owning my actions.
Big, huge, sigh of relief. I will NOT break this promise to myself. I've set some short term and long term goals and the fear I felt today, will drive me closer and closer to achieving them.