Bring on some balance...

I'm back on WW, there I said it! Hi, my name is Kathleen and I can't seem to get out of my own way when it comes to my weight. WW worked before, so I'm trying it again. This time around I will be using the Flex Point system, not the "Exercise until I get light headed" and "Starve myself before weigh in" system.

I am not going to meetings, just using eTools and I'm making a huge effort to not obsess. I unfortunately have been on the scale every day since starting back, so I need help there. I broke out my food scale and actually slapped my own hand. It went back into the cabinet where it will die a slow death.

NO, NO, NO...I will not be obsessive WW/Exercise girl. This will be one of the only times I talk about this on my blog. I started out as a weight loss website and then started journaling in html before following Hilly's advice to get a typepad account for blogging.

My whole life became about weight loss...tracking, chatting on the WW message boards, attending WW meetings, updating my website, reading other weight loss websites, emailing "woohoo carrots" food journals to friends, email support groups, exercising every waking moment, counting fat grams, sodium grams, weighing cereal, meat, salad dressing...it was SICK. I was sick.

I thought I was being healthy. I thought by immersing myself into "my plan" I would have a better chance at succeeding. I was the WW superstar online and at my meetings. Everyone asked me for weight loss advice and I was open to talking about it.

What I didn't share was that I was a total mess inside my own head. No matter how much weight I lost, I was never happy. I was starving myself the night and day of WI, then I would binge after the meeting. This went on for years. I was able to maintain my weight through the obsessions and loads of exercise.

It took me hurting my back and tailbone to stop me from destroying my body. The exercise had to stop. The steroids and other medications put some weight back on me, then I started self medicating with food. Feel shitty, have a pizza. My self medication and injury have led to a lot of extra weight.

I've spent the last 6 months seeing a therapist that specializes in body image and eating disorders. So far so good. I've learned a lot about my personality and my "all or nothing" way of thinking and doing things.

The positive is that I'm aware of my issues and I have confidence that things will be different this time around and if they aren't...I have the strength to stop them before they get out of control.

It's so frustrating that I attach a portion of my self worth to my size. When I was thinner, doors were opened up for me. Praise came from places that I didn't know existed. I have since learned that I was conditioning myself to believe that thin = greatness and there was no in between.

I am grateful for my recent struggles with my back. My condition forced me to become comfortable in my own skin and it's changed my way of thinking. I don't need to be a size 4 this time around. I honestly don't believe my 5'7" frame EVER needed to be a size 4.

We are the only species that puts such a huge emphasis on body size. I'm almost positive that a giraffe doesn't look to a panda thinking...what a fat ass.

Balance has been something that I've always sucked at...I'm going to have to reach really deep this time around and I'm actually excited and ready for the ride.

I will be back to my regular, non weight related blogging tomorrow...because daily food/weight blogging just fuels my unhealthy obsession.

I wanted to put it out there for people that still email and ask how I'm doing with my weight, etc...and most likely I will be  an even bigger beyotch for the next few weeks while my body gets used to eating healthy...so be warned.

Comments

[Hilly]

Oh goodie, WW...cause uh, that is what I have been doing for awhile now just through eTools as well, LOL. I am way more loosey goosey with it though like no obsessive restaurant action where I don't have fun, drink or eat and be merry...just daily doing the do then special occasions are just that.

I am glad you are here in the sunny side of Blogistan fo sho. Balance will be restored to the force.

[jodi]

i have been contemplating starting WW again and i think after reading your post, i'm going to do it... i don't think i was necessarily obsessed by it but there were times where i was too focused on what i was eating, and not enjoying the moment like w/my boyfriend, or friend, or coworker, or even myself... its so easy to get wrapped up in the whole weightloss thing and as much as i want to lose the extra pounds, i SO don't want to stop living a normal life...

i CAN keep track w/out being anal about it and perhaps doing the eTools thing would be good for me - i've never done and have heard good things... is there any advantage to that over sparkpeople?

so i just wanted to thank-you for sharing all this - i needed a sign to show me what i was thinking, was something i NEED to do and this was it... your photos on the old site are so amazing - they make me even more motivated... :o)

[Leslee]

I believe in you, and I know that all the positive things you've been doing for yourself with the therapy, taking time to let your back heal some, and cutting yourself a little slack in the eating department will lead only to good things for you and your weight loss efforts. Remember, I told you once before, and I'll tell you once again: Good behavior will be rewarded. I'd wish you luck, but you don't need it. :0) You know the program, you know now to work the program, and now you know how to not let yourself obsess about the weight loss. You'll do great.

Love ya,
~Les

[Karl]

I ought to get back on WW myself. I think it's great that you're going at it with your own pace and structure. You're like Wonder Woman. You do have that costume, right?

[Anne]

Are we all in the same place or what?
I've been back on since Jan and doind well, cause I'm not obsessive. Like you said, a special occasion is just that, splurge a little, no guilt and move on. Seems to be working well. I'm also not exercising all that much, just walking and pilates, one day at a time, no crazy Anne. I have a feeling you'll do really well.

[Jen C.]

Hi Kath! It's been a while since I've commented, but I read every new update. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm proud of you for the post I just read. I, too, just "recommited" to my weight loss after gaining about ten pounds back over the period of time that I was more lax about my healthy habits. I know I *can* do it alone, but doing it with WW as a guide is so much easier and I'm going to choose to be realistic and healthy about it this time around. I don't care if it takes me ten years to lose the few pounds I want to lose, the point is that it makes me feel better to be in control of my choices. But it also makes me feel good, as hilly said, to go out and have a few drinks and snacks and not care. So i'm working to find that balance and it sounds like you are too. I'm proud of you - always - and I will continue to be. You're awesome.

Love,
Jen

[kapgar]

Katie and I were the same with fasting before weigh ins and enjoying it all after that. It was a stressful time.

I think that's why this time, even though we're following the WW points plan, we're not bothering with the stress of weigh ins. We're just doing it. Plain and simple. And we'll know it's working when we can increase our cardio workouts and fit in smaller clothes and receive compliments from people who notice our efforts. All that jazz. That's what is truly important. Screw the numbers. They are so arbitrary anyway.

Good luck with it all. I'm pulling for you.

Your name is Kathleen? And here I had a mental image of a birth certificate that read "Foo" under "First Name." Bummer.

[Foo]

Hilly - it's all about loosey goosey and I will be telling myself that each day.

Jodi - I read your site every day, but can't comment for some reasons...just depends. I think moderation is key and yes, we all need to enjoy life while we get healthy :o)My therapist says...we don't NEED to do anything with our weight, we choose to. I guess I finally grasped that in my session yesterday.

Les - Thanks...good behavior will be rewarded - my new mantra

Karl - Wonder Woman, no costume but I will have to buy one - it's always been a fantasy to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, maybe that will be my goal.

Anne - So true, it seems we all go in waves. I know you are having back issues too, not working out as much when eating healthy will be hard, but my back reminds me that it's necessary.

Jen - Hey Twizz...I still read your blog too. I think you should go temp and follow your dream. You will knock your 10 lbs. out of the park, unfortunately for me, it's much more damage than that. UGH!

Kevin - I will be doing what you and Katie are doing...no stressful weigh ins. Yes, sorry to burst the Foo bubble...Kathleen, kind of boring, but I'll keep it.

[Sonya]

So glad I discovered your site! And your post was amazing. I had the same kind of "ah ha" moments too - and decided to get a personal trainer.

Here's to successful efforts in the near future!

[Jen]

As someone who has been in therapy for similar reasons for the last two years, I just wanted to lend my support to you and tell you how proud I am of you for taking this very brave step. Getting our minds and bodies on the same page is such a challenge. Just know I'm out here cheering for you! :-)